Monday, October 30, 2006

Mommy Dearest

Okay, so perhaps I'm being a little hard on myself. . .

But really, sometimes I do feel like I just manage to stay on this side of the line between "nurturing, rational, attached mama" and "she who should be publicly flogged and not allowed to breed further."

I've been thinking, as all new bloggers must, about how I will use my blog and what it will reveal about me. Naturally, I want to use it as a venue for sharing my creative work and facilitating an exchange of ideas and encouragement with all of you wonderful knitters, crafters, makers and bakers out there in the blogisphere. However, I also want to have an outlet for sharing some of my personal trials and tribulations, particulary, but not only, as they relate to my role as mama. Shall we say, a space where I can rant now and then and perhaps some kind soul out there will make a point to tell me that I'm not alone? Of course, I have my family and friends, and they've been more than supportive, don't get me wrong. Still, and let's get down to the nitty-gritty here, it's been over 30 years since my mom had a toddler and neither one of us were a boy! My sister doesn't have any children, yet. And my mama friends, from my distorted and self-referential point-of-view, get it right more times than not. Now, I really do know that they suffer much of the same self-doubt as I do, but it's not always apparent.

So, let's state the obvious. I LOVE my son. I would NOT trade him in for another. He enriches my life immensely. For the most part, I think I succeed as a parent. I am loving and generous, I provide ample opportunities for social, emotional and intellectual stimulation and growth. But, sometimes I just SUCK. Sometimes, I want hours to myself, where I can read or craft, uninterrupted, without having to guide his activities constructively or, ahem, guiltily allow him to watch TV so that I am free to go about my business. It's usually educational, and it's rarely more than 1 1/2 hours per day, but that's already too much according to many of the "more attentive" moms out there - though less than what the doctor cautions against!

Also, I am a control freak. Yes, it's true. I like things my way, thank you very much. Hmm, but so does he. Imagine, if you will, the myriad opportunities for conflict: getting dressed, eating, brushing teeth, choosing a halloween costume, even! Often, my lesser self rears her head, the one that I don't like very much. I try to ignore her, but am not always successful. Let's not discuss the screaming, the bribes or threats, the entirely counter-productive meanness. . . I don't know you well enough, yet, for that.

I think I've said enough for now. Thank you for reading this far, I feel much better to have got that off my chest and, lest you take my words too much to heart, let me leave you with a picture and a promise to approach each day, even each moment, as a new beginning:

1 comment:

looney said...

thank you for your heartfelt post, sknittymama (i found you through storme because i'm also participating in her handmade goodie swap) see, i'm a mom of two rambunctious 4.5 year olds (boy & girl) and i totally know your pain about wanting time for oneself but also know the joy of having endless unconditional love for and from our lil munchkins.

you're not alone...i too don't like my "evil twin" that comes out when things get rough...let's get real, we're all not ozzie harriet 100% of the time (although, i truly wished i could be...) sometimes tough lovin', (not talking about anytype of abuse here) where we have to put our foot down, say "NO" and be firm is necessary inorder for chaos to subside...

and yes, after every rough incident, i remake my affirmations that i will try to have more patience and kindness towards my lil' ones because they are just that...lil' ones learning from the best...US... (ie. after scolding my kids for being really naughty at the doctor's and post offices, they both carassed my cheeks and wanted full huggies (bear hugs) as i was putting them in their carseats and exclaimed..."mommy, i've got a secret...i love you soooooooooo much..." now that is what i call real unconditional love (from my lil' ones to me...)

really loved this post and hope you keep writing about what you love...all the best, xoxo looney