Keeping it Real

It's hard to believe I'm sitting here composing a blog post nearly 4 years after my last one. Maybe one of these days I'll give up the ghost for good, but for now I'm feeling the pull again to join in. With whom, I'm not sure. But it's an opportunity to organize my thoughts and that's enough for me.

Let's see, where to start. Well, new house, new school, new baby. It's been a busy couple of years. My days are spent making to-do lists that never get completed. I'm always working towards some goal or other, rarely just being in the moment. Over the summer, I find myself driving more than I ever have, from one activity to another. Always rushing, of course. Let's not even talk about what I do while I'm driving. Suffice it to say that I am the queen of multi-tasking. Recently, when I picked my son up from camp, I longed for an hour or two to just sit or walk in the woods. It felt so peaceful and slow in there. Next week we go away for a week to family camp. Hopefully, when I'm not following my wobbly 20-month around to make sure he doesn't kill himself, I'll find a moment or two of peace.

Next up, expectations. They're a bitch, aren't they? I expected my 9-year old would have best buddies, ride a bike, read for pleasure like I did as a child, ask lots of precocious questions I wouldn't always be comfortable answering, grow up and away in a good way. Well, he is funny (often too much) and kids like him, but he has trouble with real social engagement. He still can't ride a bike, but at least he rides his Razor scooter now, instead of the 3-wheeled one he clung to forever. He loves books, but even though he is finally learning to read, it's more work than play, so he'd rather play Nintendo or Wii. He's never asked many learning questions, and when he does ask a question, it's often one he's asked before. He is growing up, learning and maturing, at his own rate, but while some things have gotten easier for him, others have gotten harder. I think he's more aware of his differences now, and this creates more anxiety. Is it all doom and gloom? No. But is it what I'd expected it to be, either? No.

Second chances. What are the odds that you'll get one? In my case, not good. Second child, same situation. More pronounced, in fact. Whereas I spent the first five years with my first child in blissful ignorance (oh, he's just shy), with my second it only took a little over a year to realize that he was different. Sweet, loving, sociable, totally adorable. But different. The silver lining is that he is getting help sooner, rather than later. Let's hope this neuroplasticity thing is for real.

How to make peace with the unexpected? I'm not sure yet, but I'm working on it.

Serpentine!



On a final, tasty note, I start nearly every day with a cup of PG Tips tea and a well-buttered english muffin, often spread with the best jam in the world. I've never made my own english muffins - Trader Joe's are pretty darn good - but were I to, I'd start with this recipe from pinchmysalt. Just looking at them makes me drool.

Fortunate. . .

in so many ways.

If I'm being honest, my default approach to life is to see the glass half empty. Today's challenge is a simple exercise in appreciating that which makes my life full. Although there is much more to strive for, having the following is a great blessing:

Family - living and nearby
Friends - few, but intimate
Health - excellent
Hearth - warm and dry
Sustenance - available in abundance, both nutritious and delicious
Time - for crafting and being
Freedom - of religion, choice, speech and lifestyle, to name a few!

In thinking about what I have to be thankful for, I've also come to the following realization - that, if you don't raise these blessings up for recognition and appreciation, they don't exist. That isn't to say that they don't apply to one's life, but the benefit is not felt.

The following quote says it best. I would like the balance of my days to be a feast, not a famine. . .

"It is literally true, as the thankless say, that they have nothing to be thankful for. He who sits by the fire, thankless for the fire, is just as if he had no fire. Nothing is possessed save in appreciation, of which thankfulness is the indispensable ingredient. But a thankful heart hath a continual feast."

W. J. Cameron, The Ford Sunday Evening Hour Talks, 1930’s

Grateful. . .

first and foremost, for my son. For his continuing laughter, smiles, and affection. I hope that two years from now, I will still be the grateful recipient of his unrestrained love.

two years ago



today

I'm Still Standing

I guess I really do date myself when I feel compelled to head my posts with song titles of my youth. I may have a select group of contemporary artists that I know and even like more, but I certainly can't identify today's artists or songs with any regularity! And really, when did I last have the time to lie around listening to the radio all day waiting for my favorite song requests to be played? Ah, those sweet angst-filled early teen years. . . It amazes me that almost 25 years later thinking about these songs brings back powerful physical memories. I don't just remember, but feel with a visceral quality, the emotions that I felt then, usually in relation to some boy or other. Some songs still do it for me, but more likely than not the feeling of longing evoked is tinged with regret, not hope.

Please parse the above lightly. I did not intend my return to blogging as a downer, but nostalgia is never far when I am near. Really what I was intending when I started this post was a reference to the fact that the holidays are over and, despite a long absence, I am STILL STANDING. I baked, crafted, shopped, wrapped, visited, recovered, and welcomed in the new year. I don't put much stock in resolutions, as I am ever skeptical of my ability to see any to fruition, however I do have some intentions:

To live in the moment more. My son will turn five in May and I anxiously dread the ebbing of the easy love we swim in now. In fact I've pretty much dreaded this from the day he was born, anticipating the sullen responses, averted eyes and general rejection that parents often suffer at the hands of their callous young. So, for now, I will smother him in kisses and demand my share in return! Hopefully, the banked love will make the desert crossing easier.



Conversely, to create my future. I hesitate to put those words down as I don't have any strategy waiting in the wings to move the action forward. But a change is gonna come.

Where are you goin' my little one, little one?
Where are you goin' my baby my own?
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young [boy]
Going out of the door

Turn Around by Nanci Griffiths

(Lyrics by Malvina Reynolds, Harry Belafonte & Allen Greene)

The Way We Were

So sue me. . .

Apparently my only rule was meant to be broken EARLY in the game. This photo is not of my own hand. In my defence, red seems to be a theme of my childhood and nostalgia a theme of my adulthood. Vintage red, therefore, seemed to be an appropriate choice for Self Portrait Challenge. The only problem was that I couldn't decide which photo to use. They all encapsulate the longing I feel for my past. So, to satisfy myself, I've provided something special for you. Click on the photo and you'll see. . .



That's me on the right - reading everywhere I went! Now reading has to compete with so much else - knitting, sewing, being a mama, working, etc. Little sis is on the left. . . And she wants me to make it clear that she did NOT grow up to be an axe murderer, she just plays one in our family pictures!

I definitely have a tendency to view the past through rose-colored glasses. Everything was better BACK THEN. Now, as I get older, I spend more time reflecting on the "back then" that was my childhood, but when I was a teenager I had this same backward longing for the decades that belonged to my parents' youth. Even then, when I would find old photos of my parents I had the sense that if I could just go back in time, life would be better, simpler, more right. It seems I've always felt "out of place," as if I'd fit in better somewhere between the 30s and the 70s, depending on my mood. The truth is my desire for the past, despite any real allure it may hold, probably has more to do with my inability to be content in my present.

Which may be why I'm so drawn to these photos of myself at this pre-teen age. I'm still fully entrenched in my present and I seem utterly content. Rose-colored glasses or not, that's my story and I'm sticking with it.

And, because I'm feeling very weepy and nostalgic, here are some gratuitous shots of me and mine. Click on any one if you want to see more of the same!

Working For The Weekend

Deep breath. Thank goodness it's Friday Sunday! This song didn't mean much to me when I was 13, but now? I LIVE for the weekend. So much for being here, now.

I'm not much of a juggler. It may seem as if I'm managing many things at one time, because I've embarked on each one to some degree, but really everything's on hold except for the one project that I'm running with. And that would be whatever I'm REALLY excited about or REALLY behind on. This last week was one and the same, plus a healthy dose of workplace deadlines that I'm definitely not excited about. This is how I felt all week long. Which should explain why I haven't had the energy to blog! And really, I only have a brief reprieve. Some responsibilities have been met, but the wolf is still lurking at the door. Birthday bunny to sew, Christmas socks and mittens to knit, tea towels to embroider, oh yeah, cooking, cleaning, and playing with my son! And what I really need to do is SLEEP.

Mission accomplished: I sent off my package today to Nina, my swapmate in For the Elves. This was a great creative outlet! It's very exciting putting together a gift package for someone when you've got a theme to work with and you think you've got a good idea of their interests! And "vintage christmas" is a great theme - thanks, Ellia! I think I'm hooked on swapping! Despite the fact that I am prone to "swap stress" and "swap guilt" as coined by Apron Thrift Girl.

This just on its way:






And here's what the elves delivered to my house. Nina was so thoughtful and sent me many lovely vintage treats. Thank you, Nina! For more photos, click on the second picture to go to my Flickr photos.